2008 Holiday Newsletter

The 2007 Reviews are in…

"You masterfully use the mature ego defenses of intellectualization and humor to delight the reader in your annual newsletter. Love it!"
--Jeanette N., Psychiatrist

“This one was your best yet. Hilarious and informative.”
--Gloria L., writer and editor

“Very funny!”
--Erin L., State Court of Appeals Law Clerk

“I have been looking forward to it all year! :)”
Michelle W., Parochial School Teacher

“There’s so much hilarious stuff in here that I don’t even begin to know how to respond. Who knew that a lawyer and a post doc could write/edit comedy so well?!! Well done!”
Lori L., Economic Development State Employee

“Great newsletter--I laughed, I cried, I felt dirty, scared and nostalgic....who knew your words could do so much?”
Kortni F., Pain Management Doc
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The Dana family had a fairly uneventful 2008. We only found out we created human life, rushed ourselves to the ER/urgent care 3 times, passed one kidney stone, delivered one baby, cheered on Michael Phelps as he won 8 Olympic gold medals, created a family web site, www.danafamilycircle.blogspot.com, helped the US elect the first President of color, watched gas spike to $4.00/gallon and then back down to $1.50; we worried about the continued viability of the Big Three auto manufacturers, Chris began working as a wedding photographer on weekends and became a stay at home Dad during the week.

A Visit from the Boob Fairy

I have never in my life hoped that I would puke unexpectedly (or at all, really) or poked my boobs to see if they ached almost to the point of causing them to ache. Then I did. For Christmas, I received a new set of inflated boobs that were even noticeable to Chris. At Chris’s urging, I took a pregnancy test that morning, and 2 lines appeared.

Almost immediately after I confirmed the results with a second test, I began to experience the bloat from hell. It was 10 times worse than eating too much chili. I began hoping that my office mate would stay away after the holidays a bit longer, so I could more discreetly fart and relieve the pressure.

Kim’s Deranged Stomach

January marked my first month of pregnancy. Things were humming along, and I did not feel any different, except for an occasional cramp. Then, in February, I realized that I would not escape the nausea fairy. One Slate article used an ages old term for morning sickness: "deranged stomach." Another pregnancy book called it "progesterone poisoning." In any event, I definitely felt deranged and poisoned—night and day. My writhing and moaning was not sexy, according to my darling husband.

Neither was my, at times, unexpected and rotting corpse-like flatulence. Our cat, Kanu, slept curled around my butt one night. The sound and force of the gastric discharge startled him out of a dead sleep, and he soon chose less odiferous quarters, reported Chris--this from a person who once caused me to wake up and scream from the sound of his half awake belch right into my ear.

Our Little Peanut

Our first OB appointment was scheduled a bit too early in the pregnancy at 8 weeks. Medical personnel, including the doctor, desperately tried to locate a fetal heartbeat using a Doppler without success. At one point, the OB had her finger in my vajayjay pushing up against my uterus with my head facing the floor and my feet in the air. Still nothing. Impressed with my own dexterity, I was quickly whisked away for an ultrasound. They immediately detected the heartbeat, and we were able to see the peanut-sized fetus and beating heart on the monitor. This made me cry.

Observations of a Pregnant Woman

The number of pregnancy no-nos baffles me. It is a wonder that we eat and drink anything other than personally purified water direct from a known aquifer that was blessed by the Pope and organic vegetables personally grown in a toxoplasmosis-free soil. Being the natural rebel I am, I had dental x-rays and a root canal, occasionally ate raw sushi, feta cheese and unheated lunch meats, drank diet beverages and caffeinated tea. We are also instructed not to sleep on our backs for fear of cutting off oxygen supply to the fetus. During pregnancy, I slept in a tangle of body length pillows and wedges that increasingly threatened to expel the cats and Chris from the bed each night. Regardless, and to Chris’s chagrin, I often wound up on my back snoring by morning.

As pregnancy progressed, I belched and farted liberally, slept too much, acquired bigger boobs and gained all my weight in my gut so that it hung over my waist band. I also scratched myself all over, b/c of my stretching skin. I became convinced that being pregnant is like being an overweight, middle-aged man…with a fetus.

We Now Know what we Don’t Know

For much of July, we attended childbirth education classes and toured the maternity ward. We learned breathing and comforting techniques, child care methods and misconceptions and later term maternity care. It was useful and nice to be among 30 or so other couples going through the same things at the same time, but most of the information presented could be found in the literature I already read. Basically, we commiserated over how little we knew about what to do once our bundles of joy arrived. I found this oddly reassuring.

Kidney Stones, Childbirth, or Both?

Also in July, we rushed to the emergency room in the early morning hours one night. Although the overnight valet at the hospital thought otherwise at first, we were not there for me. Chris was experiencing severe flank pain reminiscent of the kidney stone he passed several years ago. A CT scan confirmed that he did, indeed, have a stone, and it was rather large. The ER doc referred him to an urologist after controlling his pain, sent him home with at least 3 prescriptions designed to relieve his pain and help the stone to pass. Hours after returning home and taking the prescription medication, Chris began having an allergic reaction. Back to the ER went we. He was fine in a few hours.

While getting prepped for surgery to remove it, Chris decided against it, and we went home. A few days later, after a particularly bumpy ride on Orchard Lake Road and drinking one beer, the 7 X 5 mm stone passed on its own without incident. Thus, my nightmares of both of us lying on adjoining hospital beds like a scene out of a medical drama were dashed.

Around the same time, I experienced an extremely acute urinary tract infection. Knowing that it could harm the baby, we rushed to urgent care. The pain and urgency were intense, and I was scared. My blood sugar spiked high, and they found signs of protein as well as bacteria in my urine. Thankfully, I saw my OB a few days later, and the sugar was gone, no significant protein detected, and my infection was under control.

A Kate is Born

Katherine Rose Dana was born at 6:13 PM on Tuesday, August 19, 2008. She was 7 pounds, 2 ounces and measured 19.3 inches long. More details of the “Birth Day” can be found here. Photos from birth to present are constantly being updated here: www.chrisdanaphotography.com. Most commented on how much hair she had and how much she looks like her Daddy. My Dad, Brother, Sister, Stepdad and Mom all stayed overnight in the waiting room to meet Kate as soon as she was born. Chris’s Mom arrived two days later to help get our house ready for her arrival home and meet her new granddaughter.

My Mom and Stepmom also helped us out in our early days home from the hospital. Many of you visited us in the hospital or upon our arrival home and brought us great comfort and cheer, gifts and dinner. Others sent us gifts, good wishes and love from afar. Thank you all so much!

Boot Camp for New Parents

Nature has a way of training new parents for the immense task of parenthood early on. I like to call it Baby Boot Camp. Along with the general “do I know what I am doing?” fears of new parenthood, there is also the near constant sleep deprivation. Yeah, that. One late night/early morning when Kate was only a few weeks old, we both awoke to her hungry cries over the baby monitor. Chris popped awake and immediately leapt to action. Remembering that it was my turn to feed her, he handed me the burp cloth and said, “Here. This is grapefruit juice. She has had it before. She likes it. It’s good for her.” In my sleep-drunken state, I started to nod my head and say “OK,” when I realized that: 1. She did not eat or drink anything since birth except for breast milk and formula, and 2. He did not hand me anything resembling juice. A few nights earlier, Chris woke up in an agitated state and began frantically searching his pillow for Kate. I am still unsure of whether he thought he accidentally put her inside of the pillow case, or that she somehow escaped her crib, crawled into our room and leapt into our bed on her own. One month olds are crafty that way.

I may laugh at Chris’s expense, but I also exhibited some symptoms of the sleep deprived. During her first few weeks of life, we could not get her to sleep for more than one to two hour stretches, so we each took shifts to get consecutive hours of sleep. While on my 3 AM to wake- up shift, I attempted to pour pre-made formula into a Playtex drop-ins bottle. I did this maybe 3-4 times, each time with the formula spilling in large quantities onto the floor below. All the while, Kate’s hungry wails grew more insistent, and I began cursing the bottle, the formula, etc. Alarmed at the clatter downstairs, Chris came to see what was happening. I was pouring the formula into a bottle holder without a bottle liner to hold it. Repeatedly.

Basic Training

We swaddled, we pacified, shushed and used white noise. When she favored a particular pacifier or toy, we went out to buy out the store of them. Spit up stains were like badges of courage. We felt like baby whisperers. Eventually, Kate fell into a better sleep schedule and was sleeping in 5-8 hour stretches by about 2 months of age. Then she caught a cold and an antibiotic-resistant ear infection in daycare, and our confidence was shaken a bit. After 3 rounds of antibiotics and expelling a quantity of phlegm that even disturbed the people at the day care center, she was cured.

Like her Momma while pregnant, Kate is not shy about passing gas. Her burps cause a room full of busy daycare workers to turn around and take notice. Her farts could be blamed on uncouth, burly men with names like Bubba or Lefty. How that much noise escapes from such tiny holes is another natural wonder. Early on, she earned the monikers of "Gaseous Clay" and "Vladimir Pootin'." The cats are still nervous wrecks from the noise.

I’ve got it Covered

I planned on breastfeeding nearly exclusively for as long as possible. Unfortunately, nature had other plans. Kate would not latch on properly and would fall asleep soon after starting a feeding or cry intensely after a short time latched on. I asked every one of my nurses in the hospital for help, consulted with 3 lactation specialists in and out of the hospital, pumped every 3 hours, took herbs and drugs to stimulate my breast milk producing hormones, and I could still only pump ¼ of an ounce 3 weeks into motherhood. I grew so used to quickly pulling out my boobs, thinking about allowing easy access to my boobs and having others handle and comment on my boobs that I lost nearly all senses of modesty where they were concerned. Fortunately, I taught myself not to do this when I returned from maternity leave. At least there are great formulas on the market now, and Kate is growing and thriving well.

Daddy Daycare

In December, Chris ended his post doctoral research position for the Biochemistry Department at MSU and began staying home full time with Kate. Now, neither she nor we are catching some kind of bug every other week. And he is picking up more wedding photography assignments on weekends, which he enjoys, along with playing the violin with the Mason community orchestra. I am happily back to work full time. It is far less work than staying at home.

Gasp…I own a Minivan

In November and December, we fueled the waning economy with several large purchases. Horror of horrors, we bought a minivan. I never thought I would own one, but I am also all about being practical. I could not squeeze my fat arse in the back seat of my Accord with the car seat and diaper bag to tend to a complaining infant. Also, the mandatory equipment that comes with a baby is a bit too large for my trunk to bear. Parenthood is admittedly easier with a minivan.

I also replaced my dead laptop, finally got new glasses (our cat basically gnawed my old ones), bought a snow blower, and a chest freezer.

Kissin’ Babies

I know; I know. Most of this newsletter is consumed with new parenthood. It kinda changed our lives. However, there was also a Presidential election and great economic uncertainty this year. There were pit bulls wearing lipstick, or were they pigs? There were plumbers with six packs named Joe. Can I call you Joe? Perhaps most importantly, amidst the auto maker and financial bailouts and horrible violence in Mumbai and elsewhere, there is a new optimism in the US and around the world along with the upcoming change in administrations. I don’t know about you, but I am rooting for a better 2009 and beyond, especially now that Kate is here. Happy New Years to you and your family. Let’s do and be more!

Content edited for humor by Chris Dana
Muse: Kate Dana